soo tomorrow is friday ^_^ and twilight will be out on DVD YAY. Ive saved the last of my money for it. Sadly :P

okay so I have to say OMG awesome Greys episode. It was soooo emotional and AWWW I love George so much!! Im really happy that they had him on. He looked like he was about to cry when he was running to Izzie!!! and the previews, Callie and George and then Alex...omg its sooo freaking emotional and sad and...I love. I just hope that Izzie lives because I'll bawl my eyes out if she doesnt!!!

anyway Geography and English tomorrow. I have a feeling Im going to fail geo just because Ive missed 2 more days than Im supposed to. (sleeping in and st patty's celebration comes back to bite me) Im definitely going to switch my major next week though.

I really would like to write fanfiction! for greys Id love a George/Izzie story, and for Brothers & Sisters a Justin/Rebecca. I am reaaally hoping that Ryan and Rebecca dont turn into anything...she needs to get back together with justin!!! (which makes me want to write fanfic :P )

Im so obsessed with my tv shows right now haha. I think it helps though. My brand of therapy.

I really like this song. I think it says a lot. and Pink is an awesome singer.

so for the second night in the row Im kinda tispy so dont mind if I dont speell thing right.
anyway today I founf out that my mom has some kind of embolism. I dont know anything else really except that. I freake out this morning when my sister wrote to me and told me that...thanks again katie for helping me!! it really meand a ;lot.

um....I fogot what I was aying........I have this problem wher I dont like when people care about me or worry about me...I feel seldfish and idk...once was I was in the hospital I was real mean to my mom and told her I didnt want her or anyone else around...because I feel embareessed and selfish when people worry about me. so then I cant talk about my feelings...nobody will ever know what I really feeel inside. theres this sonfg that reminfs me of me...Ill have to loojk it up.

Im loving greys but really hoping that izzie doednt die because she is my favorite and I dont want her to leave the sjow!

sadly, i am like officially broke. I had 1000 dollars like a month ago...then I went on vavcation, and also paid for my friend...that took over 500....now I am not even sure of I can bye teilight next weekend.

my sister told me on my wall that I should pray for my mom...Im not trying to sound mean, but why would I ptay? thats obvious hypocrisy if an atheist prays. to me praying doesnt help...except it gives people hop eand really, Ive learned it helps me none. sorry if someone reliogous is reading this and founding me mean or something...its jusy my opinion.

Im going to go to bed soon. Im tired and yeah. brothers & sisters tomorrow yayayay! i love that show.

okay
so
Im kinda tispy
anyway
I kinda like love this guy.
who got engaged because Im afraid of relationships and broke up with him.
and then he told me that he wished we would have worked out and he really liked me.
and that makes me selfishly wish he'd break up with sandy
who is a friend
is trhat wrong?

oh wow sorry about the previous post lol. yesterday was actually a good day, so what better way to end it than celebrating? :P

I passed my geography final (yay) so Im happy about that. Then we went to Chuck E Cheese and played games and then gave all our tickets to pleased little kids. Then we just hung out in Erie, and came back here. I bought 2nd season of brothers and sisters, I couldnt help myself. Annd tonight Grey's is on (another yay) which makes me happy.

I havent heard anything about my mom.

And I think I might have found my dad on facebook :S its weird because Ive never talked to him or met him or anything....I hope he accepts my friend request. Its one of my life goals to meet him.

last night I came up with a new life goal : to see a opossum hanging upside down in the wild.

dont ask :P

soo gurssss what apoeop[le? I am drunk lololol we decided to doealry dribnking and we has been singing and I cried for a bit but Iok now. and yeah Im drunk andmy stomach hurt but I just wan to sat y hi yo ecvefruyyone and hope ytou have a good dyyyyyy byyeee

well my day was crappy I guess I can say....I usually dont admit to having a bad day, because Ill find ways to try and make it better so I have something good to look upon for the day. which I did (a few episode of brothers & sisters and medium later) but still the day was sucky.

I woke up to another message from my sister...she's really worried about my mom and making me worried too. she has to go and get all these different medical tests done and "not good" has been spotted a couple times in my sister's freaking out. Im trying to just not think about it because really, I think about it enough. my mom told me over break that the house was being left to me and my sister, but I guess she's been planning a lot of that kind of thing.

And then to acedemics. This, I admit, I bring on myself. I failed my british lit test (54%) which I knew, but was upset because the reason I failed was because Im not specific enough. this prof likes things word for word and yeah, Im not good at that. then, I realized my paper for english is due tomorrow (hasnt been done) AND before my math today I checked the syllabus and, sure enough, there was an exam today, plus my notebook was due. did I do the work? nope. did I study? nope. when you find out 5 minutes before class its kind of pointless to try. good news is, I can turn the notebook in late. and the test....well I feel more confident about it than my lit test.

while Im venting, things that have been on my mind:

I think its sad the way girls are with make up. I have several friends that wont leave the house without make up on, because they think they are disgusting without it. its sad. I woman should not need to layer things on her face to make her feel beautiful. a person should think they are beautiful just being THEM. I wear make up very rarely, mainly when I know pictures will be taken (I hear mascara and eye liner bring out blue eyes, and truthfully thats all Ill wear.)

I have a friend who is very strong in her views. I am pro life, I dont believe in abortion at all. but my friend was all pissed when there was someone for abortion on a tv show and saying so. my friend was like 'they cant say that on tv'. but both views were being displayed, and if pro life can, I think pro choice can too, even if Im against it. its a free country and people should be able to express their views.

anyway I think Ive said enough for today. I cant wait for a week from today....st patty's day ^_^ I am getting *so* smashed, I dont care. It sounds like such a good idea right now.

So I am back at the Boro. yay.

I have a geography midterm tomorrow and I never studied for it....Im a terrible student.

Coming home made me realize that I do love it here. I hate the snow and the rain and the cloudiness but its all Ive ever known, and the thought of no more snow or no more watching the leaves change...it makes me sad :( plus arizona has tralantulas and thats basically enough to keep me away.

I am so sad Justin and Rebecca broke up on brothers & sisters :( they were my favorite. I like the idea of rebecca and ryan though. he seems like a nice guy (and he isnt bad looking either :P )

I definitely miss the arizona heat though. Its way too cold here!

We just watched selena. it gets me every time I watch it. its so sad :(

so its basically my last day in arizona T_T

even though my mom telling me stories about black widows and tralantulas made me want to leave and never come back.

we went to the mexican border today, and I think its so rediculous. its hardly a border and its no wonder so many illegal immagrants make there way here. I always get worked up when it comes to the immagrant thing and it doesnt help being here.

I cant wait for greys next week! and twilight will be out on DVD this month :) I bought moulin rouge yesterday. I love that movie, its sad and incredibly weird :P

sometimes I feel like I cant spend too much time with my best friend. I think we get on each others nerves easily and we've had testy moments this week that made me wish I were here alone.

I am pleased to say that the lisa maas memorial tournament raised over 2000$ for the crime victim center :)

we are going to the desrt museum tomorrow, which is basically like a zoo. the last thing we will really get to do here :(

I should go to bed. sorry if I havent kept up with your journals, I promise that I will once I get home :)

soooo Im in arizona! its awesome here. I got sooo sunburnt today (not as much as my friend though :P ) its really beautiful here and warm and sunny and all the good things erie and edinboro (and PA) dont have. at least for most of the year. we went to tombstone today, this historic little town and it was really awesome. we got to see a gunshow type thing that was really funny. I recorded parts and will put them on here when I feel like it :P im (of course) the only one up right now. its 12:40 here, 2:40 at home. Im actually getting tired. thankfully.

so...brothers and sisters tonight. one thing to say : OMG. seriously.

I dont want to go back to cold snowy icky erie. I love the warm and the sun and the prettiness. thing is I could move out here no problem...I just dont think I could leave everyone back home :(

I had a kind of sad dream last night. it was about lisa and she was like back or something well alive and they were like arent you glad you have one more chance to give her a hug, since you didnt get to before? and so I gave her a hug and it was nice. in the dream. when I woke up I just wished that it had been real.

well Im going to head off to bed. but first I though Id share some pics with you :)



me and my friend at boothill cemetary



me n the skeleton thing...funny thing about it its one that moves and we had no idea, and me and my friend were taking a pic with it and it started shaking...it scared the heck out of us.

I have more but dont feel like adding them...maybe later :P

Sooo 48 hours and Ill be in arizona. I dont know if I will be able to write or go on lj while gone so I thought I would now! if I do get on Ill make a greeting from az video for you all ^_^

Im real excited to get out of edinboro. Im excited abouit pittsburgh even :) my cousin lives there and I never get to see her so Im happy I get to stay with her for a day. maybe Ill even get to see my other cousin emily. I was prejiduce against pittsburgh for a while and still freak out if I go to oakland/shadyside but Im better now. also my long lost father lives in pittsburgh and Im dying to meet him and I even tried to when I was there over the summer but it didnt work out. maybe thats a good thing :(

Im going to beg my mom to let me watch my shows if there is no tv in the guest room lol. there is a 2 hour brothers & sisters event sunday that looks reeaaally good, and of course medium on monday (even though last episode I did not approve of the scissor part).

I hope Melanie's benefit goes well on sunday and they raise a fair amount of money. they held something over summer and raised nearly 10,000 dollars and itd be awesome if they could do that again.

Im excited :)

yay warmth!!!!!!

48 hours from now cant come soon enough!

Arizona is coming nearer yay.

Im sad because we wont have enough time to go to california :( my mom said if we had come friday maybe we would have....but how am I supposed to know that? I so would have rushed if I knew California was at stake.

I dug myself into a ditch because I lost both my birth certificate and my social security card while my move from home to college...and my mom wants a copy of my b.c. and I dont want to tell her I lost it :(

so now Im all freaking out about that it even ruined my Arizona buzz. I guess Ill just have to get new ones unless my others are somewhere at home which Im not sure about.

Im dropping American Lit. And Im pretty sure Im changing my major to social work. Im not good at change so Im not sure yet.

So I bought our tickets for Arizona. 522$. I almost had to spend 1000 O__O and yeah I wasnt going to do that!!! I went shopping and got clothes for my trip that Ill get to use here too come June. I also bought season 1 of brothers and sisters since Ive never seen it. and I bought oliver and company :P I love disney movies. what I really want is the lion king because its my fave ^_^.

So Im real bad I have to miss Lisa's memorial tourament because of my trip. I really really want to go, it means a lot to me and Im sure Melanie isnt happy :S but Im going to try and round up more people to go. Laura said that around Lisa's bday they will do something too and I told her I definitely be home then.

So if anyone from Erie falls upon my page you should think about going ^_^





I have to go through a week of classes before I get to go on my vacation....its going to go SO SLOW!!!!

So Im excited for AZ ^_^ especially since it is Still blizzarding here. Im going home today (yay) but Im scared because we are going down the same road that the girl who lived on my floor died on and the weather is bad and Im paranoid. It cant be helped though: I think most people would be.

I missed my classes today because I slept through them (I set my alarm for 9:40 pm instead of am) so yeah thats really bad b/c that means my grade has dropped.

My mom said there are tickets for 231$-I asked her too book those for us because it would be amazing to get the cheapest flight available.

oh...my mom just wrote me...over 600$ :S Vanessa has to love me.

It is blizzarding. Too much snow. I hate Edinboro.

Im going to Arizona for spring break thankfully ^_^ 75 degrees and sun, here I come!!!

I got 1000$ back from financial aid :D (so Im going to AZ)

Greys and Private Practice are amazing. I loved tonights episodes! Im sad they are taking a break though. I am way to obsessed with Greys :P

Friday! Im happy to go home finally. I miss Kelly and Melanie...and the animals :P oh. and playing resident evil :P

Id type more but I dont want to wake my roomie up. I guess we are looking at apartments tomorrow...we'll see how that goes.

All in all an okay day. The last 2 days have been pretty okay actually. My step dad's dad died :( really sad...but Im not going to dwell on it.

I am going to start counting down ^_^ Arizona: 9 days

my second entry today. well in the last nearly 3 hours that it has been today. I decided to think of some songs I like that way you all can hear my fave songs ^_^



Also something I wanted to add in my post earlier: Ive been writing a story for a few years that Ive written over and over. The song Missing by Evanescence reminded me to add this. that song is like one of the characters theme songs. if that makes sense. anyway its full of drama. it has to do with relationships really, those between family, friends, and lovers. Its actually a really sad story with a kind of happy ending. If anyone ever wants to read it or know more let me know!!

So since Ive added a couple new friends I thought Id just let you know about me. Some random things are included :P

I love animals, especially cats. I have a black cat tattoo above my ankle on my left leg. It wasnt pleasant to get but I love it.

Ive never met my father. I have my mother, and a lot of the time we dont get a long, and I often rant about her, but I do love her.

I was born prematurely, 3 months early. I went through PT during childhood. It doesnt effect me really today except my right hand doesnt function normally. well my entire right side actually but my hand is the main thing. I also have epilepsy but a very mild case and it hasnt given me problems since middle school.

I am afraid of spiders, the dark, death, public speaking, rejection, and fighting.

I think Im always wrong no matter what. Im the girl who refuses to talk in class because I think Ill sound stupid and get laughed at. "I dont know" is my answer even when I do.

I live with my 'adoptive family' when Im not at school. When my mother moved to arizona I refused to go with her. I told her Id rather live in a box on the street, actually. So I moved in with my friend Melanie. I love that family; they are family to me. And my real family hates it.

If you chew your food/gum with your mouth open I will hate you. or if I know and love you, I will put headphones in and blast music.

Im pro life: if you dont want a baby, then jeez just use protection! Im pro gay marriage. love is love and no one should tell you you are wrong for loving someone. Im pro death penalty; this never was until my friend lisa was murdered. After hearing the things her killer said...my mind changed.

I was voted shyest in high school. I really had no friends either, besides melanie. It sucked but I survived.

I hide my emotions and keep them inside. which results in bad nights where I vent on my lj.

Im afraid of relationships. Ive never had a real one. Im a very awkward person.

I am the biggest procrasinator I know.

All I ever want is everyone to be happy. I try my best to make that happen.

And now I dont feel like thinking anymore. My life is pretty boring and so am I. I try though :P

So today on the news they had a full report on the accident involving the 2 girls who lived in my hall.
http://www.goerie.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090216/NEWS02/302159843
I still feel really bad for everyone involved. Today I witnessed them pack up Katelyn's belongings. It was scary to watch in a way. I keep wondering what the roomate Stephanie is going to do. I looked at both their facebooks again and it makes me so so sad. I keep thinking of how she was just here...we shared the same bathroom we walked the same halls...it makes me wish I had known her. Because now I know I wont be able to.
I miss the way my life used to be. Ever since Lisa died I've changed. Ive changed and I hate it. And nothing seems to happen to make it better...my life is becoming more and more death obsessed. Its everywhere in my life. I dont want to die. Im not suicidal. Im actually terrified of the thought. I didnt even want to leave my room the other day. It just gets worse and Im really hoping that something will happen to make things better. brighter. Ive seriously considered moving to Arizona where my mom is. Start over. No death, no stupid drama...but I dont know if I could leave all that I have here :( my friends and family mean the world to me.
It would just be nice to go a day without picturing them all dying.
It sucks.

This is what's buzzing around here today.

http://yourerie.com/content/fulltext/?cid=47141

Its sad these girls lived just a few doors down from me. I didnt know either of them, even though Im sure Ive seen them at some point. I feel bad for the roomate, Stephanie. I wouldnt want to go back to school ever if I was in her shoes :(

This is why ice is bad. This is why driving in the winter scares me....it could be anyone.

So tomorrow I have my first british lit test and Im 99.9% sure Im gonna fail. And this test is 25% of our grade so if I do, I will have to drop the class :( And then take next semester instead. I got a 79 on my math test (which is pretty good but not how I wanted to do) and a 68 on my geography test (which is almost failing so Im not happy about that either). I hope I can make it through college :(

Today was my niece Cassie's 10th birthday. that is crazy to me. she's grown up so fast! I almost had to miss her party because they changed it to today and I was here in edinboro (a half hour drive away) and I got real sad. but then vanessa took me out and I was happy :) I missed presents and cake which sucks but at least I got to see them. My nieces are like everything to me. I ♥ them so!

today was soggy because it got warmer and the snow melted, resulting in mud and rising streams and puddles. but its supposed to start snowing again tomorrow :( this weekend I will be going back to my sisters. I hope it goes over okay. And saturday is valentines day. my valentine is my friend Manette ^_^ My friend melanie was my valentine last year. I have bad luck when it comes to dating. luckily I have my friends!

Im still wondering about my major. Its so distressing!